Bad chat up lines
by MikeJones2345
Summary: After someone pulled a prank on Erwin he brings together the most likely suspects (Eren, Connie, Levi & Armin) and forces them to perform a horrifying punishment. Extremely bad chat up lines. Rated T for some mild swearing.
Eren, Connie & Armin sat in a room nervously with Levi. Apparently Levi had been ordered by Erwin to bring the three of them here and something he was not happy about had occurred.

Erwin walked in clearly sporting black eye, several bruises and a few other marks, some of which may have been hickeys "OK who thinks they are funny?"

The three of them looked at each other, then at Levi who looked as confused as them.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SENT A LETTER TO NILE'S WIFE TELLING THEM I STILL LOVED HER?!"

A sentence which filled in the rest of what had happened. Evidently over the period where they were dealing with the survey corps mail, most of which had been hate mail. But every week it had to be processed just to make sure everything is just that. It was also through there that letters were sent out from the survey corps which was mostly just letters to family members confirming death. At the time that Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Levi and Connie had been doing the task. The rumours about the relationship between Nile's wife and Erwin had been common spread around and given that there were rumours that he was meeting with commander Dok at his house the rumours had gone wild.

"What makes you think it was us?" asked Connie feeling a bit insulted from the implication. Sure he'd played a few pranks here and there but for the most part they were very minor.

Erwin responded "according to Levi only you 3, himself and Mikasa had access this weekend and you three are known to cause trouble."

"Why isn't Mikasa here?" asked Eren. Noticing she hadn't been dragged into this. _She would normally want to be here to show me up and claim she's protecting me._

Erwin replied "she's not the sort to do this. She's not a moron" implying that the rest of them were.

Erwin began pacing around the room "so which one of you did it?"

"Not me" denied Armin thinking it was probably Eren given that he'd forced Mikasa to sort mail with them and Armin had always known he had not liked Mikasa being forced to do work like this. Not that he'd admit it.

"Or me" also denied Connie assuming it was Armin who had been responsible given this was too clever for Eren.

"Why would I do that? "Asked Eren assuming it had been Connie given his warped sense of humour.

Erwin was very clearly not convinced "CONFESS or you will all suffer." He threatened. Almost daring them not to.

But no-one yielded "fine…guess you three will have to suffer equally." And he pulled out three pieces of paper and handed them to Eren, Armin & Connie.

"Each of you have received a piece of paper. On it I have written a girl's name. And something you have to go up to the girl on the list and say exactly what is written on the paper. Otherwise I will have you executed. Oh and if you tell them about my involvement I'll execute you as well. " Erwin smiled the creepiest smile.

All 3 looked around "you can't do this." Said Armin but knowing that as commander he did legally have the right.

"Well what happens if it goes well?" asked Connie knowing what Armin was saying was wrong and hoping to improve the mood or catch Erwin out.

Erwin shrugged "let's just say with what I'm writing I'm not worried. But if it went well that would be entirely your decision."

All three looked in astonishment. He'd just given them permission to have carnal relations with another soldiers. They realised he knew he had already won.

Levi interjected before anyone could blurt anything out. He realised the mood Erwin was in he might actually go through with the threat "you're lucky he's being such a wimp about this. "

However while Erwin was angry with the 3 he was here to punish he was not one to take an insult like that lying down. "A WIMP?" now all the rage was directed at Levi. "Ok Levi rethinking this. Perhaps it could have been you. Here is your note. And who you have to say it to." Before writing down on a piece of paper which he handed to Levi. Before walking out.

"Say one word and I'll kill you" said Levi and not a single word was spoken until they prepared to move to their respective destinations each reading their notes in horror.

* * *

Levi walked into the laboratory area that had been developed from an old area of the castle no-one used. It had always been an untidy area but thanks to a certain goggle wearing woman it had recently got worse.

"So it's Hanji. Should be interesting" Levi said to himself. Levi walked through the labyrinth of the laboratory making sure not to touch anything for two reasons firstly it was all disgusting secondly given this was a science area he was sure touching some things would get him killed.

"Hanji" muttered Levi. He really found this entire activity trivial. The room smelt like titan vomit and was messier than the aftermath of Dot Pixis's birthday.

Hanji sighed "Ok, seriously fuck off."

Levi was taken aback the cheery scientist seemed to be in a bad mood which had never happened before. In the entire time he had known her he had never seen her like this. "What?"

"Moblit, I told you before. I'm not having a bath or sleeping until I have a breakthrough" growled Hanji.

Her recent attempt to discover a weakness for the titans had been going no-where apparently. Levi sighed "it's not Moblit shitty glasses."

Hanji turned around slightly shocked "OK Levi sorry I'm a bit stressed." Levi could tell Hanji was a bit embarrassed and realised it was best to get his line out the way.

"Ok fine but I have something I need to say." Announced Levi. Trying not to touch anything in the room. The only tidy thing was her bed which clearly had not been touched.

"What is it?" asked Hanji. Starting to feel a little bit concerned. Levi however considered the possibility of what she could actually do when angry. She clearly was exhausted.

 _What was the worst Hanji could do? Apart from feed him to titans which was generally a risk for him regardless of the day there wasn't a whole lot. She'll probably just slap me_. Thought Levi.

Levi then decided to just go for it. "You and I have great chemistry…..want to try some biology?"

The reaction for Hanji was immediate "hahahahahaah" she was in hysterics like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. Hanji composed herself but figured she must have misheard. "I'm sorry but for a second that sounded like a chat up line."

"Well it was" Levi replied bluntly feeling a bit off put at the laugh. His ego wasn't taking it well.

Hanji was confused "why would you?" and the she realised something "ohhhh, I get it. Moblit told you how important it was that I get some sleep so you figured the only way to get me into bed…. was to get me into bed"

Levi decided to just go with her assumption as it was better than any explanation he could come up with as for why he hadn't simply punched Erwin. "Was it so obvious?"

Hanji yawned "afraid so. But you're right. I do need to get some sleep"

"Make sure you do." Making it like it was a command to try and spare himself some dignity.

Hanji moved straight onto the bed that was still in her lab and was clearly about to fall straight asleep "it's a shame though. If I wasn't so tired I'd have probably taken you up on your offer."

Hanji then feel asleep with Levi somewhat surprised. But realising how tired she was he was glad she had finally got some sleep.

* * *

Armin was nervous. Fortunately given Ymir was no longer around at least hopefully he would survive this. She had been the scary one. However the thought of going up to a girl was terrifying and so was the poor quality of this line. "So Krista huh…. This could be tricky."

He finally found her looking at some flowers that were growing. "Hi Krista"

"Armin how are you?" she cheerfully responded blissfully unaware of what was about to transpire.

"Oh a bit you know,…."unsure of how to proceed with this, He felt bad doing something like this and to someone as sweet as she was as Krista but that was still better than unleashing Historia

"What's the matter?" asked a worried Krista.

"I lost my teddy" Armin said as heartfelt as he could make the line

"Oh no are you OK?" the sweet girl replied. Armin felt bad putting her through this. Figured it was better than execution but still felt bad.

"Not really can I sleep with you instead?" asked Armin trying to make it sound less like a chat up line and more of someone looking for a nap partner. He knew sounding pathetic was inevitable so he figured the more sympathetic he sounded the less mad she would be.

Krista exclaimed out of pure shock, "WHAT?" she knew Armin was not normally like this but was both stunned and horrified.

Armin realised his plan had failed. "Well you know it helps me sleep and" Armin tried to explain hoping his explanation would improve the situation.

Krista interrupted "Armin stop," but her expression was anything but the sweet girl he was used to. Now he was facing Historia. The rage was palpable. "You know one day I may become queen. I don't know who put you up to this but if I find out who put you up to this but if I ever find out who it was I'll have them humiliated then castrated and then executed painfully."

Armin gulped before nodding. "I understand."

"Sleep well." Said the blonde girl in a way that chilled Armin to his core. He never knew this girl could be quite so scary. He felt he might actually need a teddy bear after that.

* * *

Connie walked towards the girl he had been assigned. He had had a crush on this girl for a while and this was more than enough reason to show some guts.

 _Sasha. This should be easy_ Connie thought to himself. Sasha seemed to be eating some food she had acquired earlier from what Connie could tell it seemed to be some bread.

"Hey Sasha." Connie confidently announced his presence.

Sasha quickly ate the bread Sasha responded cheerfully "Hey Connie."

Connie was confident enough that despite the poor quality of the line this would still work. He figured Sasha would get a laugh out it and given their close relationship it might lead to something. "Will you be a buffet for me?"

Sasha pulled a confused expression "What?"

Connie kept up the brash level hoping to get the laugh out of Sasha. "You know so I can come and have what I want?"

The last thing he saw before he was knocked unconscious was Sasha's fist coming right at him

* * *

Eren looked at the piece of paper. He assumed from this gem that Erwin was assuming he the most likely culprit. _I am doomed._ He thought to himself. Eren looked at his target she was dressed in her full uniform with full fighting gear. Evidently she had been practicing her swordsmanship. The very skill that made her one of the deadliest warriors to ever fight a titan. Eren knew he was in trouble if she was unarmed but this girl was currently armed to the teeth

"Hi Mikasa." Eren spoke quietly relying on her sharp hearing.

Mikasa immediately stiffened from this reserved and reluctant looking Eren. She was used to a very different kind of Eren so knew something was wrong. Are you ok?"

"Yeah um..." Eren hesitated unsure of how to proceed. This was Mikasa. One wrong move and she could easily end him.

"What is it? Eren internally grimaced at what might very well be his final words "You remind me of my little toe."

"Why? Because I'm something you could amputate and easily live without?" responded Mikasa assuming this was going to be Eren just being rude as per usual. She'd thought something was different from the reserved approach but this seemed to be more of the same.

Eren wasn't expecting the interruption "no because I….I"

"You what?" Interrupted Mikasa again. She seldom showed bitterness like this but after recent events she had pushed her to tolerate Eren's rudeness less than she had in the past.

"I'm probably going to bang you on a desk later." Eren tried to make that sound sincere with a wink that looked creepy more that flirty.

Mikasa pulled out one of her blades and pointed it at Eren's throat "Eren there are only two reasons you would say something like that to me. Either someone made you in which case I will kill them or it's the worst attempt at seduction since Dot Pixis got drunk and tried to seduce a titan. Which I can only assume is to purely fulfill your lustful desires. So which is it? Tell me or die."

Eren was terrified, he knew his 'sister' was perfectly capable "Well…."

Mikasa moved the blade nearer to his throat "if you lie to me you will regret it. Which is it?"

Eren blurted out "It's the second!"

Her face softened a little but she still didn't remove the blade from where she had pointed it as his throat "Then why did you try such a bad line?" she asked.

Eren realised his lie was unraveling he realised he had to justify his answer he still wasn't entirely sure Mikasa wasn't going to decapitate him if his answer was bad. Plus he wasn't sure why he had blurted it out. Eren decided to say something that was true but wouldn't give away "I was nervous."

Mikasa nodded and put her blades away "I don't believe you….. But there's a simple test. But first you need to answer me something."

He no longer had a weapon pointed at his throat but Eren still felt nervous. Even in full titan form he couldn't really compete with Mikasa one on one and his skill being even less effective indoors. While had had martial arts Mikasa was just more deadly and had developed counters to all his moves in training. Eren decided to pluck up the courage to ask "What do you want to know?"

"Where are we going to find a desk?" Mikasa smiled at Eren. This was definitely a challenge from her. They each looked face to face. He hadn't expected this.

Eren looked in her eyes and saw one thing she really wasn't backing down. She was completely serious. Eren thought to himself could he actually do it? Did he want to? But these thoughts soon evaporated when she started kissing him. Eren suddenly realised Mikasa was completely serious and so was he.

Eren decided in that instance to do it, and given what he had been told earlier he knew exactly where to do it "I might have an idea."

* * *

A smug Erwin walked into the canteen and saw Armin and Levi sat near an unconscious Connie "So how did I go?"

Levi shrugged "Well Hanji assumed I was being a gentleman just trying to get her to take a break. So it was fine." Deciding to ignore the bit where she laughed at him. Or the bit where she said she was considering it.

"Krista threatened to humiliate, castrate and execute whoever forced me into this if she ever finds out who was responsible for me doing that line. Evidently she realises someone told me to do it. I never said who but probably isn't hard to guess" Armin responded.

Erwin sweated at that. The sweet little girl was partially an act and he couldn't chance the idea that she might go through with it when she becomes queen. But looking at the fear from Armin he figured he would take the secret to his grave.

"Where's Eren and what happened to Connie?" asked Erwin. Wanting more details over those who had suffered for the punishment one of them definitely deserved. Clearly it had backfired slightly with Armin and Levi seemed OK. But with the state Connie was in and Eren not being present clearly something had happened.

Levi answered his commander looking down at the unconscious body of Connie. "Connie's still unconscious. Guess Blouse hits harder than we realised. As for the brat…"

Armin interjected hoping his explanation would be less damaging then Levi's. "We haven't seen him"

"If he's gone AWOL you know what that means." Responded Erwin ominously. Everyone knew deserting the military has one punishment. Execution.

Erwin realised perhaps his revenge had gone a bit far but Eren going AWOL was too far. There was no excuse for it and Eren would likely have to be executed. Erwin knew he would have to send out a search party but given his part he would send out the party in the morning. Hopefully Eren would come to his senses or get far enough away that execution would be Impossible. He couldn't help but respect the boy and his power. Erwin then realised he'd left his key in his office. He'd need that before he could go to bed. Fortunately his office was located on route to his bedroom. He walked into the room before noticing two completely naked soldiers clearly getting very intimate with each other on HIS desk.

"What are you doing?" exclaimed a shocked Erwin looking at the utterly horrific state of his office. Clearly they had been at this for a while. Papers were scatter on the floor and there was the key to his bedroom on the floor as well. The two naked people turned to face hi. Eren who was on top of his childhood friend simply shrugged.

"Never mind." Erwin just picked up his keys and left. He couldn't deny he had put this into motion. If he ever tried this again he would be sure to not mention desks again or at least lock his office beforehand.

* * *

Both began to redress. Neither trying to hide anything from each other. At this point it wasn't like they had anything to hide. As Mikasa buttoned up her blouse she decided she would break the easy silence. "So I assume Erwin ordered you to deliver that bad chat up line."

Eren was shocked "I never….."

Mikasa interrupted "You wouldn't come up with a chat up line that pathetic. Only Erwin is that corny. Plus it explains why you chose his desk rather than any of the others in headquarters" Mikasa stated bluntly picking up the blades she had with her.

At that moment Eren realised that a chat up line hadn't really worked Mikasa had simply given him a pass because she wanted to. He should have known. He figured she didn't realise the risk if she revealed that she had managed to work out who was responsible "please can you not tell anyone you knew he was responsible. Otherwise I might be executed."

"You really think he would?" asked Mikasa incredulously. She knew Eren's value to the corps and killing him over a prank was not really Erwin's style.

"I don't know but he was so pissed after the prank and he blamed us for the incident with Nile's wife after someone sent a letter from the mail room. I assume it was Connie but either way…guess it doesn't matter" Eren honestly responded.

"You mean when us four were in there Saturday?" Mikasa raised her eyebrows like she was surprised.

"Yeah Erwin realised it had to be Me, Connie or Armin, he also punished Levi for an insulting comment. Said we would each be executed if we didn't deliver the line."

Mikasa nodded "Guess that worked in my favour" before turning away blushing slightly.

He needed to know why she had been willing to go for him despite knowing she was set up. "Even knowing that Erwin was behind it you still went for it?"

Mikasa smiled at his question "I wanted to see if you really could see me that way. I gave you easy chances to leave and you deliberately stayed. Plus you know all you had to do was ask me to lie for you and I would have done it."

Eren realised she was completely right. Truth be told there was so many easy ways out now he was thinking rationally but in truth he didn't regret it. He'd made that choice the moment she'd kissed him and if he was honest that was just the final push. He'd always wanted to cross that line. "Yeah that's true. Guess you know me well"

Mikasa smiled. "I know you better now." Before giving a peck on the cheek.

Eren finished getting dressed. But he felt he had to clarify where they stood. "So what are we now? We clearly aren't siblings anymore."

Mikasa now fully dressed shrugged. "What do you want to be? I'm yours I have been for a long time."

"Let's find out." Before holding out his hand which Mikasa gleefully took,

 _BEST PRANK I EVER PLAYED_ Mikasa thought to herself.


End file.
